Middle East Side Story

Written by Rabbi Richard D. Agler and Cantor Stephanie Shore
Jews enter one side of stage; Persians enter other side of stage. They face each other.
Haman: Ohhhh look who's oozin' into our neighborhoood again. It's the Jerks.
Zeresh: Don't you mean the Junks?
Minnie: You're both bein' too nice to 'em. We oughta call 'em the Spews.
Chino: Yeah I like that one a lot. Good one, Minnie!
Haman: C'mon guys. Let's go down to my place I feel a rumble coming on.
Persians exit, laughing at their cleverness. Jews move center stage.
Big Deal: But you said they do own everything.
Anybodys: Yeah, but they don't hafta act like it. There's plenty of room in this neighborhood for all of us.
Music Cue: When You're A Jew
Velma: Well, you sure won't get that idea from the Poisons I mean, the Persians. They don't respect us one little bit.
When You're A Jew
To the tune of "When You're A Jet"
King: Vashti, did you not get the message that you were supposed to come down and dance at the party tonight?
Vashti: Yeah, I heard. I didn't feel like it. I got a headache.
King: (To Audience) I got a bigger headache and her name is Vashti! (To Vashti) I've had enough of your holier-than-me attitude. I'm done with you. You're washed up. Gone. I'm banishing you from the neighborhood.
Haman: You heard the man. You're banished. So vanish!
Vashti: Knock it off, Haman! You can't do this to me. I'm the QUEEN!
King: Not anymore you ain't. I'm gonna find me a new queen. Someone who's more obedient, like a woman oughta be!
Chino: You can say that again!
Vashti: I have never been so insulted in my life!
Haman: Well it's early yet. Take it outside, lady. Way outside. And don't show your face around this palace again.
Zeresh: (To Vashti) I told you so! I knew you weren't gonna get away with this.
Vashti and Zeresh exit.
King: Gee, I hope I did the right thing there. I'm not used to bein' without a queen. Do you think I can find me another one before the next big dance?
Chino: Sure ya can, King. You're the KING! You won't have any trouble at all.
Haman: Since I am your most important minister in charge of all your most important stuff in the neighborhood, I'll put the word out on the street that you're lookin' for a new queen. We'll invite all the ladies to come to the palace for a dance tomorrow night.
King: Good idea, Haman. You do that. Make sure you tell everybody around
King exits.
Haman: You'll have the best, buddy. Especially 'cause I'm gonna make sure there's no Jewish chicks in the bunch.
Chino: Yeah That's what I always say. No Jews is good Jews.